2 more years lol

heyyy so I wrote this on the 20th of march but didn't post it lol 

at this point this page is gonna become my feelings diary you why because I can't take it anymore I normally write in a notebook about my feelings but why not go use that old blog that I completely forgot about. 

I'm turning 16 on Sunday wow the great sweet 16 but is it sweet I feel like I'm breaking apart I'm being ignored by almost everyone and I feel like its my fault this is not the first time I've been treated like this in a friendship its always the same I feel like I'm the problem now because tis always happens to me. 

like I get that u have issues with her but why put it on me it's like I'm the fucking black sheep of my family and so called friends I just wanna fake my dissapperence and I bet ijust know that know one will care and I'm sorry Zainab?? this witch is always so perfect she can never do anything wrong. she just always has to be in the spot light so does Mahika right I wonder what's gonna happen when both queen bees have to fight to be one 

this doesn't even make sense.  Shreya acts soo fucking naive like I get you wanna take sides but at least don't be dumb about it,  the worst thing is that oh I'm being blamed for literally everything and I just wanna die I feel like I'm returning into hole from where I came from I don't even know where to cut anymore everywhere is filled up with old scars i wanna give up I wanna stop but I'm literally just not good enough no matter how much I try I'm just a disappointment to everyone in my life even to myself I don't even look good I have 2 more years left but that could be longer if I continue to literally be the same disappointment I am but it just never changes have you seen my body 

I look deformed at least their bodies have a form my shoulders are huge and my arms are not like other people. my face looks smushed I have these black lines on my take that take forever to scrub but they barely come off I wanna die so bad 

Aaryan doesn't appreciate a single thing that I do and I'm just a fool literally doing almost everything for him

I don't have any friends I wish I had at least someone who could stay with me like that one person in my dream world 

my hairline is gross af I feel like I wanna puke out all the food I ate If it meant to be thin like them 

but if I do become thin I will still look deformed my back is bigger than my butt I always need to try on clothes before I buy them to see if they at least fit on me and look right 

vent

 you know sometimes having parents that underestimate you is actually fun.... they will make jokes about you being depressed and then attempting to suicide again just because they don't actually know what's going on. they do not know anything about goes on in my school life they only know the small bits they don't know that I almost got beaten up the other day they don't know how I felt when 8 people ganged up on me to possibly lay hands on me they just care about their reputation what is gonna happen if I fail my exams I can tell you for sure I'm not fucking failing it may be overconfidence but I just know I will pass but not with a full distinction or whatever I'm actually trying. according to her my mother I was raised wrong because I got whatever I wanted and it makes me selfish and entitled I personally think i was forced to grow up in a way always seeing them fighting and understanding things I shouldn't have at that age made me really fucked up. actually thinking rationally I made myself be the way I should have been or maybe not. why does she blame me for almost everything wrong in my life. I did not choose to be assaulted when I was three years old. she doesn't trust me she doesn't even appreciate me. sometimes I just  wanna go back to that night and change only one thing and that would be to not text my doctor I would have died that day if I had not texted her I really wish I didn't do it. I'm going to attempt again not now but I will after school ends there's done with my exams now she can check my results and not have to worry if if I passed or not because I will simply not be here. 

it's been 2 years

 I haven't done this in a while, while? More like I haven't posted in 2 years!. I don't know what happened to me. I created this blog in 2020 when covid hit it was a coping mechanism for me and my thoughts I was 12 years old. reading these posts now makes me think about how I had an actual good life and was overreacting back then. Why? I was happy, I had a nice body I did good in school I had good friends.

in 2020 after quarantine I got into this group of friends which included me my 2 best friends of 10 years T and Z and a new girl we will call her A and one of her friends N plus this quiet girl with Z we'll call her J. it started off with the four of us but then T left us because she was tired with them whereas I stayed in the group they always badmouth T and made her look bad in my eyes but I always considered her as my best friend so I didn't really believe them but for the sake of the group I thought I had to keep a distance with T which I did. 

now I'm back with T and they are my biggest enemies ever, I call them the witches and the biggest witch of all is Z. Funny one day they are your best friends ever and the next they are the girls that make fun of you, the girls that talk behind your back. Life is strange sometimes the people you trust with your heart ends up stabbing you in the back well that's what happened to me.  

I really don't know where to start but I just needed to get it out. 

hope

why is there something called hope?. Hope is to want something in particular to happen but does it always happen? In my case no, not once in twelve years of my life.

whoever reads this, hello I'm T and no one ever will understand why did things I did.
Trying to make someone understand my problems will never work. My mom told me that she hides her problems from me and then she asked me to share my problems with her. What would I have told her? The truth is I get triggered every time  someone tells me something even making it sound like a joke. Whenever I hear something, everything, every insult, every scold, every bad thing someone has ever told me comes straight up racing to my mind. i can never push it away. It hurts, it always does. You always tell me mama if something happens to me you will never be able to live but I think you can. Why? because everytime I do something you always compare me to my classmates, my friends even you and it hurts, one word hurts. I don't know if people understand how much one word can hurt someone deeply. Everytime I think of a way to end all these thoughts it never works, It seems the only way to stop the guilt, the insults to stop everything is death. It will benefit to everyone who says they "love" me. How? my dad won't have to worry about hiding him talking to his friends wives or my mom can work peacefully. My mom doesn't have to go around saying her daughter is good at everything when she herself criticises me about literally everything I do. it is better if I just die, no matter how much people try to hide it, it is obvious that I'm a burden to them so here. I was happy for four months when I was living alone with mama we were happy we didn't worry about anything but after papa came home it's like he has her wrapped around his finger controlling her I don't know what to expect anymore.




kisses,T

If only things could change

Hi, it's T 

Sometimes, when I'm in a situation I never know how to react. I'm always in a situation I can't understand. Today I'm bringing back the story that made me realise that I can't trust anyone fully.

May 2019

Last day of school for 6th graders. It was my elementry graduation. The night before I was exited, I told my father what to cook for breakfast the next morning. I woke with a change of expression. It turned out my dad passed out drunk. I woke my mom up getting ready for everything and rushing for food. By the time we were on the road we were already late. I got to school and my mom went to the hall were the ceremony was being held. I was on the stand to take pictures with my mom and I realised that I was the only child who was accompanied by only one parent. Even I have a friend, her parents are divorced but both of them still came together just for their daughter. That was the last day I trusted my father. 

Fast forward August 2019. On the day of my cousin's wedding the 11th.

My dad fell unconscious, he was raced to the hospital(I'm not gonna get into details).

When he came back I thought maybe he would stop his alcohol addiction but oh god! I was wrong.

One very strange night my grandma called. When she asked me about dad I broke down, he had started his old habits but it was getting worse and worse. the next day she came with two of my uncles. To stop his habits they brought him to stay at my uncles house. Well since he was furious he took my mom's car keys and left. My mom had to rent a car, the car was pretty cute though. For the next month I was honestly happy that he was gone, the house was peaceful. Without him in sight we felt free. The night he left I remember me and my mom having a deep conversation(again not going with details).

He came back eventually. It was okay for about two weeks or so until he started drinking again but this time it was a lot more than I expected. My uncle came. They were in a fight for about an hour.

My uncle left because my dad was stubborn. After he left, I got into a fight with my dad which ended with me skipping lunch cause I was to frighted to leave my bedroom. I told my mom when she came home and she promised to file for divorce if he doesn't stop(she didn't).

The next day at school in PE I fractured my ankle and couldn't walk. My mom picked me up and we went home. She took me to the hospital that night to make sure I didn't break it. The next morning, my uncle came. My dad went with him since he couldn't make a fuss around him. I honestly enjoyed spending the beginning of December with my mom. A few days after I was on Christmas holidays my dad came back, happy ending? no he went through the same old habit. 

After staying with his mother he finally changed but that seemed to ruin me and my mom's relationship. Me and my mom have been getting into constant fights because I'm distancing away from my father. I just find him to be the reason for my relationship with my mom has been ruined. I don't know if he is going to figure it out but I hate it I want it to be just be and my mom I feel more comfortable that way.

                                                                                kisses T       

We all have that one person

Hi, it's T

We all have a person who we trust the most and knows literally everything about you but sometimes you don't know that person. At first I thought it was my mom then I thought it was 2 of my favorite cousins. they understood me and even though one lives only two feet away from me I just didn't know. Why? you may ask. It's because the person who never shares deep things with you never is the person who you think you can trust.
Otherwise I thought it was my other cousin who is in Canada but no, I still never got the feeling that I could trust her. I honestly barely know anything about her life and when I look at it now she doesn't know the real me. I still tell her but I don't tell her everything.

It took me a real time to realise that you never know who that person is until you go way back through memories. I know that it sounds weird not knowing who to trust but it is my best friend since kindergarten. I'm grateful for  having her in my life. We are two complete different people but even if there is a difference I still trust her for her to know me, the actual real me. I know her, I know the real her and that's why we are not only besties but sisters, more than just sisters.

Tam I could never imagine my whole life without you. I love you and no matter what we are always here for each other.
We've been through a lot trust me a lot being friends with toxic people, people trying to turn us against each other but no whatever it takes we are always together and that will never change.
Me and my best friend have gone through a lot but when we go to college and things that will separate us we have this promise to make with each other and that is no matter what we will never forget each other.

So in the end we all have a person who we trust. Some of us have already found that person and some of us haven't. Be careful! we might think we've found that person but maybe that person isn't who you think they are. Likewise take care. T

Give Tham some love by reading her amazing daily blogs: https://todayfortommorow.blogspot.com/2020/05/first-post.html

Child neglecting

Hi, its T, I'm not expecting anything on this so here.

Children who are abused or neglected, including those who witness domestic violence, often exhibit emotional and  behavioral problems, such as depression, suicidal behavior (thoughts), difficulty in school.

 Children who are abused or neglected also are more likely to be traumatised for god knows how long!

Children and teens, we always have this little bit of hope left saying something like "it's ok something way worse I should wait". Do we realise that our parents, our teachers, even our loved ones they always do something that hurts us deeply but we don't do anything, in fact we never do anything. Why? we are scared. we believe in hope and that hope seems to far away to be here with us. 

Well, here I am stuck in this beautiful mess. I love my parents its just that you feel like a burden all of a sudden because they do something painful. Trust me words hurt. One single word hurts. Sometimes when you think you never know what a simple saying deeply hurts someone inside.

Let me ask, have you ever tried putting yourself to try and concentrate on your school work and all the words come racing up to your mind. This creates very low self esteem and lower your self confidence.

Making you feel like a burden. Do your parents ever say stuff like " why did you break this you know how much it costs". Well my folks are the same. For once in my life I have never even thought about the fact if died what would happen? I mean I don't think anyone would care after a few days. If parents aren't letting their children express their problems and needs then all of the people going through this will be already falling in a state of depression and being in a depression is way worse then self harm. I have been through the whole " my parents finding about me cutting myself" phase and I wasn't surprised by what they thought of it. My folks were just as selfish as they always were. They said that I was going to be a failure anyway because I'm so weak to I got to the point of cutting me. 

Here are some things that my parents have told me and remember words hurt way more than you think they do:

" why do we spend so much on a private school when you can't bring good grades"

 "you never gave me any satisfaction in my life" 

"you won't achieve anything in your life" 

"you're just going to grow up to be a humiliation to us"

There is way more than that but I won't say anything more.

I have been through this and it isn't pleasing at all for any child to go through. so if you are reading this and this might be what you're living through, please do something! Talk about it to someone cause when it's to late it will always remind you that there is nothing such as hope. People don't change they hide what they need to change. There is no way someone can change. It's in there minds, they can control it but they will never get rid of it. 

Some people might think that I'm over-reacting or that I'm not grateful for what I have. I don't care what people think but people have very bad mentalities 

Kisses T