hope

why is there something called hope?. Hope is to want something in particular to happen but does it always happen? In my case no, not once in twelve years of my life.

whoever reads this, hello I'm T and no one ever will understand why did things I did.
Trying to make someone understand my problems will never work. My mom told me that she hides her problems from me and then she asked me to share my problems with her. What would I have told her? The truth is I get triggered every time  someone tells me something even making it sound like a joke. Whenever I hear something, everything, every insult, every scold, every bad thing someone has ever told me comes straight up racing to my mind. i can never push it away. It hurts, it always does. You always tell me mama if something happens to me you will never be able to live but I think you can. Why? because everytime I do something you always compare me to my classmates, my friends even you and it hurts, one word hurts. I don't know if people understand how much one word can hurt someone deeply. Everytime I think of a way to end all these thoughts it never works, It seems the only way to stop the guilt, the insults to stop everything is death. It will benefit to everyone who says they "love" me. How? my dad won't have to worry about hiding him talking to his friends wives or my mom can work peacefully. My mom doesn't have to go around saying her daughter is good at everything when she herself criticises me about literally everything I do. it is better if I just die, no matter how much people try to hide it, it is obvious that I'm a burden to them so here. I was happy for four months when I was living alone with mama we were happy we didn't worry about anything but after papa came home it's like he has her wrapped around his finger controlling her I don't know what to expect anymore.




kisses,T