2 more years lol

heyyy so I wrote this on the 20th of march but didn't post it lol 

at this point this page is gonna become my feelings diary you why because I can't take it anymore I normally write in a notebook about my feelings but why not go use that old blog that I completely forgot about. 

I'm turning 16 on Sunday wow the great sweet 16 but is it sweet I feel like I'm breaking apart I'm being ignored by almost everyone and I feel like its my fault this is not the first time I've been treated like this in a friendship its always the same I feel like I'm the problem now because tis always happens to me. 

like I get that u have issues with her but why put it on me it's like I'm the fucking black sheep of my family and so called friends I just wanna fake my dissapperence and I bet ijust know that know one will care and I'm sorry Zainab?? this witch is always so perfect she can never do anything wrong. she just always has to be in the spot light so does Mahika right I wonder what's gonna happen when both queen bees have to fight to be one 

this doesn't even make sense.  Shreya acts soo fucking naive like I get you wanna take sides but at least don't be dumb about it,  the worst thing is that oh I'm being blamed for literally everything and I just wanna die I feel like I'm returning into hole from where I came from I don't even know where to cut anymore everywhere is filled up with old scars i wanna give up I wanna stop but I'm literally just not good enough no matter how much I try I'm just a disappointment to everyone in my life even to myself I don't even look good I have 2 more years left but that could be longer if I continue to literally be the same disappointment I am but it just never changes have you seen my body 

I look deformed at least their bodies have a form my shoulders are huge and my arms are not like other people. my face looks smushed I have these black lines on my take that take forever to scrub but they barely come off I wanna die so bad 

Aaryan doesn't appreciate a single thing that I do and I'm just a fool literally doing almost everything for him

I don't have any friends I wish I had at least someone who could stay with me like that one person in my dream world 

my hairline is gross af I feel like I wanna puke out all the food I ate If it meant to be thin like them 

but if I do become thin I will still look deformed my back is bigger than my butt I always need to try on clothes before I buy them to see if they at least fit on me and look right 

vent

 you know sometimes having parents that underestimate you is actually fun.... they will make jokes about you being depressed and then attempting to suicide again just because they don't actually know what's going on. they do not know anything about goes on in my school life they only know the small bits they don't know that I almost got beaten up the other day they don't know how I felt when 8 people ganged up on me to possibly lay hands on me they just care about their reputation what is gonna happen if I fail my exams I can tell you for sure I'm not fucking failing it may be overconfidence but I just know I will pass but not with a full distinction or whatever I'm actually trying. according to her my mother I was raised wrong because I got whatever I wanted and it makes me selfish and entitled I personally think i was forced to grow up in a way always seeing them fighting and understanding things I shouldn't have at that age made me really fucked up. actually thinking rationally I made myself be the way I should have been or maybe not. why does she blame me for almost everything wrong in my life. I did not choose to be assaulted when I was three years old. she doesn't trust me she doesn't even appreciate me. sometimes I just  wanna go back to that night and change only one thing and that would be to not text my doctor I would have died that day if I had not texted her I really wish I didn't do it. I'm going to attempt again not now but I will after school ends there's done with my exams now she can check my results and not have to worry if if I passed or not because I will simply not be here.